The Red Pill: The Crisis Men Are Facing in Life and Love Today

Men are struggling, and it seems nobody is paying attention. Or, few people are, anyway.

Entrepreneur and author Scott Galloway, and his landmark book, Notes on Being a Man, addresses this topic in an accessible way that reaches the heart of young men. Galloway has won multiple Webby and Best Podcast awards, and his New York Times–bestselling books have been translated into 28 languages. With his popular Pivot podcast, co-hosted by Kara Swisher, his No Mercy / No Malice newsletter, and his YouTube channel, Galloway reaches millions.

In his book, he advises young men, mostly in their twenties, about how to date, make money, stay close with their families, spend less time on the Internet, make better life choices, raise their self-esteem, and value their self-worth.

He notes that men are experiencing mental health issues, and includes himself in that equation.

Speaking candidly about his proclivity toward depression (that he notes is likely generational), Galloway pens, “My anger and depression issues started when I was in my thirties, probably passed down from my dad. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed for depression…In my thirties, though, I began developing grudges against myself and others. I had a hard time moving past things, would get triggered by something trivial, could feel my blood thickening, and I’d feel hollow and down. I still have trouble getting past things, and periods when I feel nothing—my average daily mood doesn’t always sync with my privilege and blessings.”

In another chapter, he explains, “Finally, I remind young men to cut themselves slack and stop being so hard on themselves. Reminded daily of their own perceived physical and financial shortcomings in a numbing, dumbing, deep-pocketed digital ecosystem designed to make them feel like screwups and cultural outsiders while simultaneously persuading them they can have a viable social and work life on their phones—while other voices online whisper that the world is against them thanks to women, trans athletes, and immigrants—their judgment and sense of reality take a beating.”

Johnathan Haidt, social psychologist, and author of, The Happiness Hypothesis, agrees that some of the problems boys and men are facing today could stem from the over-use of the digital universe. He writes, “Boys are in trouble. Many have withdrawn from the real world, where they could develop the skills needed to become competent, successful, and loving men. Instead, many have been lured into an ever more appealing virtual world in which desires for adventure and for sex can be satisfied, at least superficially, without doing anything that would prepare them for later success in work, love, and marriage.”

A Pew Research Center study discovered, “Among men, those younger than 30 are by far the most likely to be single: About half of men in this age group (51%) are single, compared with only 27% of those ages 30 to 49. Women, by contrast, are by far most likely to be single later in life—roughly half of women ages 65 and older are unpartnered (49%), while those ages 30 to 49 are the least likely to be single (19%). Roughly three-in-ten women ages 18 to 29 (32%) and 50 to 64 (29%) are single.”

Here are some further statistics that offer insight into the dire state of affairs for boys and men today.

Men are dropping out of college at higher rates than ever before.
The percentage of young men aged 20 to 24 who are neither in school nor working has tripled since 1980.
45% of men ages 18 to 25 have never approached a woman in person.
Between 2008 and 2018, the share of men who hadn’t had sex in the last year rose from 8% to 28%.
On dating apps like Tinder, the top 10% of men (in attractiveness) receive 80–90% of all swipe-rights.
This dating imbalance contributes to increased susceptibility to misogynistic or extremist content online.
Boys are twice as likely to be suspended from school for the same infraction as girls (behavior-adjusted).
Boys in single-parent households perform worse, while girls’ outcomes remain relatively stable.

Drawing on my last articles about Dating Trends and Polyamory, I wanted to do a follow-up, and find out—without blame—why these radical shifts affecting men in society today could be impacting their sex lives and romantic relationships, and what can be done about it.

To learn more, I consulted with famed relationship expert and specialist in attachment styles, Adam Lane Smith. Read on, for his take on attachment styles, AI-use, celibacy, brain chemistry, how to approach a woman, and more.

SW News: Explain to our readers what an attachment style is, and please break down each one:

An attachment style is how we learn to connect with people to give and receive love when we are small children. The way our caregivers take care of us teaches our brains how relationships work. And these early lessons become nervous system strategies which stick with us as we grow up and then affect how we act in romance, friendships, and even professional relationships.

The Four Main Attachment Styles:

Secure Attachment. People with this style feel good about themselves and trust that others will treat them well. Their nervous system is appropriately regulated, which helps them stay calm even during disagreements. They can say what they need, work through problems without getting too upset, and stay close to people while still being themselves. When there’s a problem, they see it as something to solve together, not as a threat.

Anxious Attachment. This style develops when kids get inconsistent care; sometimes their caregivers are there for them, sometimes not. These people worry they’re not good enough and that others might abandon them. They feel like they have to overperform to earn love. Their brain is always on high alert, watching for signs that someone is upset with them. They often ask, “Are we okay?” and try hard to make others happy, hoping they’ll get love in return.

Avoidant Attachment. This style develops when kids learn they can’t count on others to help them. These people believe it’s safer to take care of themselves than to depend on anyone else. Their brain stays in “threat-detection mode”, which makes close emotional connections feel uncomfortable or even frightening. They pride themselves on being independent and might pull away during arguments and intellectualize about their feelings instead of actually feeling them. And they care more about getting things done than about emotional closeness.

Disorganized Attachment. This style develops when a child’s caregiver is both scary and comforting at alternating times. This develops an approach/avoid pattern where they both seek closeness but are also terrified of the danger it brings. Their brain gets confusing signals; part of them wants to get close to people, but another part wants to run away. It’s like pressing a car’s gas pedal and brake at the same time. A lot of heat and friction and damage accumulates, but they go nowhere. This makes their emotions feel chaotic and hard to control.

SW News: Describe why mostly men have an Avoidant Attachment style:

More men tend to have an Avoidant Attachment style because it is more evolutionarily advantageous for a man to be hyperindependent and skeptical than for a man to be dependent and easy to manipulate. This is not to say anxiously attached men do not exist (they do), but the benefits of avoidant approaches are more in-line with male biology and drive.

One primary predisposing factor as an example is that men’s brains work differently from women’s brains when they’re stressed. Testosterone and cortisol together can block oxytocin very effectively, with oxytocin being the hormone that helps us feel bonded and close to others in times of safety. Testosterone also makes men react more strongly to danger with aggressive behaviors instead of retreating behaviors and encourages more independence.

Finally, it can make talking about feelings feel uncomfortable or even scary to their nervous system during times of high testosterone. Vasopressin is a bonding hormone associated with bonding specifically during times of stress, and men have more receptors for this hormone than women do, signalling an increased likelihood of men bonding during overcoming challenges together. This chemical gets released when people solve problems together or handle stressful situations, not during emotional heart-to-heart talks, which release oxytocin, for which the female system is more uniquely adapted. These chemical differences make men more susceptible to avoidant attachment while still understanding anxious attachment is possible given specific cultivating circumstances. This avoidant effect can be compounded even further depending on the environment the man was raised in, and what social messaging he was given around independence and traditional stoic beliefs.

SW News: How much do you think the socialization of boys comes into play in acquiring an Avoidant Attachment style?

Boys are punished for anxiously attached traits and rewarded for avoidant traits, especially in societies where trust, emotional connection, and empathy are low. Boys in the West for example, are frequently told that showing emotions is bad (like hearing “boys don’t cry”). Alternately, when told that crying is good and they should express their emotions, many men report feeling punished, ostracized, abandoned, and even mocked on the rare occasion they do show emotion to others, leading to further shutdown. When they become men, they often don’t have close friendships with other men anymore, either, creating a greater epidemic of male loneliness, which is now being discussed even in political circles as a major societal challenge. Without a group of guy friends to do activities and solve problems together, which creates vasopressin, men miss out on important brain chemicals and bonding hormones that would help them feel comfortable being emotionally close in romantic relationships as well.

SW News: How does an Avoidant Attachment style impact school, work, and family life?

Avoidant attachment affects every part of a person’s life. School, work, and family represent the three areas men typically spend most of their time and energy in, and avoidant people believe that relying only on themselves is the safest option in all these areas. They focus on individual achievement and new experiences instead of close relationships, which leads to success in the world but growing loneliness inside and eventual biochemical exhaustion.

The impact of avoidant attachment can be seen starting at a young age. Avoidant children learn that they get rewarded for being independent and achieving things rather than showing vulnerability. This can make them obsessed with grades or activities as a way to feel worthy. Avoidant kids specifically might shut down or avoid people at school rather than ask teachers or friends for help. Because they learned not to trust others as young children, avoidant people struggle to make deep friendships in school, seeing classmates as unreliable or potential sources of rejection.

Professionally, avoidant people are often high achievers and business owners who focus on strategy and results instead of emotions. They’re typically great at handling crises and making logical decisions because sentimentality does not distract them. They also often work 16-18 hours a day to manage stress and avoid feeling empty inside, making them ideal for climbing the ladder with productivity. However, even though they climb the career ladder because they’re driven and highly competent, they often hit a ceiling at the top because they can’t maintain good relationships with coworkers or teams. Others might see them as cold or robot-like. Because they don’t trust others to be reliable, they refuse to ask for help or engage emotionally with their peers at the top (other executives, board members, successors), which means they try to solve everything alone but end up feeling lonely and disconnected. This leads to intense disconnections with those around them and often the breakup of companies or their being removed from power through political maneuvering, leaving them feeling betrayed and empty.

At home, avoidant people focus on providing money and security, but often fail to give emotional safety to others. This is because they have no frame of reference for emotional safety as they have often never experienced it themselves during the course of their life. As parents, they make sure their kids have food, shelter, and financial safety, but struggle to connect with their children’s emotions or help them feel safe and cared for beyond mechanical interactions. This can make kids feel ignored, and they will likely develop their own attachment problems in time. In marriages, avoidant partners often view their spouse’s emotional needs as arbitrary threats to their independence. They pull away during arguments, fail to repair after fights, and spend time on hobbies or work instead of with family to calm themselves down.

SW News: Does growing up in an abusive home lend way for an Avoidant Attachment style?

Avoidant attachment style is one major possible outcome from abuse. Children in abusive homes learn that showing what they need leads to shame or rejection, so they hide their emotions to stay unthreatening and non-vulnerable to their caregiver without risking more rejection. If a boy experiences neglect, inconsistency, emotional overwhelm by an anxious parent, or an environment where no one stands up for him, he may adopt a “Lone Wolf” survival strategy. His developing brain decides that relying on others is dangerous and that safety can only come from taking care of himself. Some boys develop avoidant attachment as a defense against an anxious or smothering parent who relies on the child for her own emotional support. To survive this “engulfment,” the boy builds emotional walls to protect his independence.

Courtesy of Adam Lane Smith

SW News: Boys and men are spending more and more of their time interacting on the Internet and with AI than ever before. Is this a symptom of Avoidant Attachment style?

The trend of boys and men retreating into internet interaction is a common coping strategy for insecurely attached individuals in general. This behavior is a survival mechanism they use to manage their nervous system that sees human closeness as threatening or unreliable. People with avoidant attachment, however, are less likely to seek emotional connection with an AI replacement or diving purely into hedonistic internet pleasures which ultimately yield no safety for them. They are more likely to use online systems to generate side businesses to increase financial gain or learn new skills they can market with. However, when seeking escape from emotional overload, avoidant men can engage in endless scrolling to avoid sitting with their thoughts or being vulnerable. This allows them to “hit pause” on their emotions rather than actually dealing with them.

SW News: Studies say the number of men who haven’t had sex in over a year is climbing.

Why do you think this is?

When we remove emotional connection from the sexual experience so a man does not receive oxytocin, vasopressin, or serotonin from the act, it reduces sex to a cheap exchange of dopamine. Research puts the intensity of dopamine release from pornography use at up to 21x the dopamine release of such casual sex. It also requires consistently more energy and risk of rejection to find a sexual partner than to load up an adult video. And finally, engaging with an ongoing sexual partner often creates the need to engage with their emotions, which brings more relational risks which activate attachment fears. Finally, more women are also reporting decreased desire for sex and sexual satisfaction, perhaps stemming from low oxytocin bonding levels and very low reports of perceived emotional safety, correlated strongly with insecure attachment in both men and women. Given these parameters, it makes perfect sense that sexual connection between younger generations is dwindling sharply.

SW News: Statistics say 45% of men ages 18 to 25 have never approached a woman in person.

In your opinion, what are the contributing factors to this, and how do we change it?

With more than 50% of estimated people living with insecure attachment today, I believe this is one highly relevant contributing factor to this issue. Men with avoidant attachment constantly scan for threats and view emotional investment as a dangerous gamble. Likewise, men with anxious attachment style are hypervigilant around social embarrassment. In modern dating, approaching a stranger exposes them to the risks of rejection, social embarrassment, or damage to their reputation. Men with anxious attachment also exhibit “Nice Guy” syndrome, characterized by excessive fear of disapproval and reliance on external validation.

To reverse this trend, men need to rebuild their male networks. When a man feels backed by a “brotherhood,” he’s less fearful of rejection from a woman. Men also need to shift from “dating” to “courtship” tactics. Instead of the “cold approach” of strangers, men should use their social networks to meet women. Meeting through friends or family allows for pre-vetting, drastically reducing the risk for avoidant men and the fear for anxious men. This method mimics the ancestral village, where social safety nets existed, lowering stress associated with approaching a stranger.

SW News: How can a woman bond with a man with avoidant attachment style?

If a woman wants to bond with an avoidant man, there are certain techniques that will make that process easier, but it is worth noting that the burden of making these changes does not rest solely on the woman. A partner who is receptive and willing to make the effort on behalf of the relationship is vital to long-term success and so that these adjustments do not feel manipulative to the avoidant partner. Bonding with a man who has avoidant attachment requires a shift from emotional pursuit to biological regulation and logical communication. The avoidant man’s nervous system operates in a state of chronic stress, which blocks the reception of bonding hormones.

Here are a few tips.

Leverage Vasopressin Properly

Avoidant men struggle to bond through face-to-face emotional intimacy initially. However, they have receptors for vasopressin, a hormone released during shared problem-solving and overcoming challenges together. Vasopressin acts as a “backdoor” to bonding. Once the avoidant man bonds through shared tasks, his stress cortisol levels drop. This stress reduction unblocks his oxytocin receptors, eventually allowing for emotional intimacy.

Don’t Be His Dopamine Dealer

Avoidant men instinctively seek out dopamine rather than oxytocin. If a partner provides only physical pleasure without the vasopressin foundation, he may view the interaction as a purely pleasure-based one, like eating a particularly delicious cheeseburger—pleasurable in the moment but creating no lasting attachment.

Use Clear and Measurable Language

Avoidant people often view emotional language as a threat or a “foreign currency” they don’t value. To bond, the partner must speak his language. Using the “What, Why, How Often” framework is helpful since avoidant men fear unlimited demands. To create safety, requests must be specific and measurable.

SW News: In your opinion, what is the current state of boys and men in society today?

Many men in our society today are experiencing biochemical starvation. They’re starved of oxytocin and vasopressin with low GABA and unregulated cortisol, leading to an over-reliance on dopamine to manage chronic stress. They have also lost hope that human connection is possible for them both in romance with women and in friendship with other men. Finally, they are touch-starved, with physical touch only available to them through increasingly rare sex or increasingly more common violence. This results in a population of men who are either checking out of society or operating in high-stress survival mode that prevents deep connection.

In particular, modern men are disconnected from their traditional male networks. Without these connections to share solutions and manage stress, men lack the chemical stability required to function optimally in relationships or society. This isolation leaves men feeling unprotected, increasing the likelihood of depression, suicide, and the development of severe avoidant behaviors as a defense mechanism. Without proper mentorship, many men fall into a “juvenile” form of masculinity, characterized by physical strength, promiscuity, and refusal to take responsibility. Lastly, men are told by society to be more vulnerable, but when they express fear or sadness, they’re frequently met with disgust or abandonment. They are also frequently bombarded with messaging that labels them as “toxic” or inherently predatory, causing them to withdraw further to avoid being perceived as a threat.

For these reasons, most men see little hope in relationships and little reason to try any harder. So they retreat into coping with pleasure or remove themselves from the equation.

SW News: What is the pathway out from Avoidant Attachment style, and what are the beneficial outcomes?

The transition from avoidant attachment to remade secure is a process that involves systematically rewiring the nervous system and learning specific relationship skills.

The Pathway to Remade Security:

Recognition of Survival Mechanisms The person must first recognize that their avoidance is a survival strategy rather than a fixed identity. This intervention acknowledges that their “Lone Wolf” strategy prevents long-term fulfillment and health. This also requires them to believe a new way of relating is both possible and safe for them to explore.

The Vasopressin Bridge Because chronic stress blocks oxytocin receptors, the person must engage in vasopressin bonding through shared tasks, “side-by-side” activities, and cooperative problem-solving with a partner. This builds trust through competence and consistency without triggering the brain’s threat response to emotional vulnerability.

Sympathetic to Parasympathetic Utilizing exercises like deep breathing, massage, non-sexual touch, and creating an environment of peace allows stress levels to drop. Lowered stress unblocks oxytocin receptors, allowing the person to physically tolerate and eventually enjoy a close emotional relationship.

Negotiation-Driven Relationships Start using the “What, Why, How Often” framework of making needs measurable to remove uncertainty and fear of being overwhelmed. Then negotiate explicitly with others to create win-win outcomes. By treating the relationship as a series of clear, measurable agreements, the avoidant brain can predict outcomes and lower its defenses.

Systematic Desensitization The brain is rewired through repeated, safe exposures to intimacy. Opening up to a select few trustworthy people allows the brain to experience vulnerability without the anticipated punishment. This creates a positive feedback loop of good brain chemicals, replacing the reliance on dopamine.

The benefits of becoming remade secure are significant for health and longevity. The brain shifts from cortisol/dopamine dependency to a combination of oxytocin, vasopressin, and serotonin. This shift also increases GABA, a brain chemical that suppresses cortisol and future stress. Reducing chronic stress strengthens the immune system and lowers the risk of heart attack, stroke, and autoimmune issues. Increased healthy neurobiochemistry also helps with natural sleep hormone production (melatonin), resolving the chronic insomnia common in avoidant people. (Sources in the appendix.)

While it seems obvious, it is worth stating directly that relationships will experience significant benefits when an individual works on their attachment. Avoidant relationships often fail at the 6-to-7-month mark, when novelty dopamine wears off, or at 12-months, if they endure a few months longer based on sentimental loyalty, but with no pleasure. We call this the “dopamine cliff.” Secure attachment allows the relationship to transition into long-term bonding. The avoidant person transforms from a “Lone Wolf,” into a protective leader who uses their risk-assessment skills to guard the relationship, and the partner, rather than protecting themselves from the partner.

At work, avoidant traits may help people climb the corporate ladder, but secure attachment allows them to stay at the top by enabling them to manage relationships with teams and colleagues without burning out. This also allows them to enhance the organization they helped build and cultivate a proper successor to carry their legacy into the future.

Lastly, but perhaps most significantly, achieving remade security prevents the transmission of insecure attachment patterns to children, ensuring the next generation is raised with consistent emotional availability.

Appendix

Brooks, K. P., et al. (2011). Adult attachment and physiological stress processes. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 96-100.

Pietromonaco, P. G., & Beck, L. A. (2015). Attachment processes in adult romantic relationships. In M. Mikulincer et al. (Eds.), APA handbook of personality and social psychology.

Medium. (2025). “Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Health and Shorten Your Life Span.”

GABA and Anxiety: 4. Cleveland Clinic. (2022). “Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid (GABA): What It Is, Function & Benefits.” 5. Mohler, H. (2012). Anxiety disorders and GABA neurotransmission: a disturbance of modulation. Neuropsychopharmacology, 37(1), 4-24.

Chronic Stress and Health: 6. Vaccarino, V., & Bremner, J. D. (2017). Mental Stress and Cardiovascular Health. Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes. 7. Tawakol, A., et al. (2017). Relation between resting amygdalar activity and cardiovascular events. The Lancet, 389(10071), 834-845. 8. Huo, Y., et al. (2018). Stress and Inflammation in Coronary Artery Disease. Frontiers in Immunology.

Serotonin, Melatonin, and Sleep: 9. Somatic Movement Center. (2020). “Boost Your Serotonin and Melatonin Naturally.” 10. Turek, F. W., & Gillette, M. U. (2004). Melatonin, sleep, and circadian rhythms. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 8(2), 81-94. 11. Saatva. “Serotonin and Sleep: What’s the Connection.”