Ever get a text at 2am that reads, “ Hey, you up?” from somebody who ghosted you after a year of incredible chemistry, electric dates, alluring eye contact, and breathless anticipation for the next meet-up? Well, you’re definitely not alone. You have officially been zombied! And the disoriented and confused feeling emanating from your gut, heart and head is totally normal.
This new dating trend—worse than ghosting—is when, after going no-contact, that great kisser suddenly rises from the dead, only to reappear as if nothing ever happened. “What the hell?” You may be asking yourself. Unsure of what to do, you text your best friend. Going up and back, you both fret over the possibilities—should you write back? Shouldn’t you? Again, totally normal.
Here is everything you need to know about the intricacies of zombies—straight from the lips of dating and relationship experts, Tawanna-Marie Woolfolk, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship therapist, whom we spoke to recently about dating trends, and Laurel House, eHarmony relationship expert and host of popular podcast, RomConned.
SW News: What is the psychology behind a person who engages in “zombifying”?
Tawanna-Marie Woolfolk says, “Zombifying” after ghosting often reflects a mix of avoidance, emotional immaturity, and low distress tolerance — the person wants the benefits of connection without the discomfort of accountability. In many cases, it’s an attachment pattern: intimacy activates them, they withdraw to regulate, then return later when loneliness, curiosity, or convenience spikes.
Some people resurface to “check the temperature.”
And here’s the part we don’t always say out loud: sometimes zombifying is also tied to comparison, ego, envy, or schadenfreude (taking pleasure in someone else’s misfortune) — a desire to check whether you’re still available, still impacted, or perhaps struggling.
Some people resurface to “check the temperature,” and the fantasy on the receiving end can be, “They’re back because they care,” when the deeper motive is more self-serving.
There’s also a more tender possibility: people may zombie because they’ve been watching from afar with a mix of admiration and insecurity. Their jealousy, shame, or feeling “not good enough to be in the same arena” doesn’t get spoken — so instead of engaging directly, they disappear. And sometimes the return is a clumsy reach toward freudenfreude — “I see you, I want to give you your flowers, I celebrate you” — but because they don’t feel worthy or don’t know how to repair, they re-enter as if nothing happened rather than naming what’s true.
“I see you, I want to give you your flowers, I celebrate you.”
This is why I teach healthy detachment: rather than getting lost in motive, ask, “What’s the data? Do they acknowledge impact, demonstrate accountability, and show consistent behavior over time?”
SW News: Why do they do it?
Woolfolk explains, “Common reasons include: they were pursuing another connection, they got overwhelmed, they didn’t know how to communicate a boundary, or they wanted to keep options open. Sometimes it’s ego regulation — reappearing to confirm they still have access to you, even if they didn’t show up with care the first time.”
“Do they acknowledge impact, demonstrate accountability, and show consistent behavior over time?”
SW News: What do zombies expect when they come back?
Woolfolk says, “Many zombies expect a low-effort reset — that you’ll respond politely, feel relieved that they returned, or accept the interaction as if nothing happened. Their intention might be comfort, curiosity, or reconnection. But intention is not impact. The impact on the person being zombied can be destabilizing — confusion, reactivation, and pressure to smooth it over just because the other person resurfaced. In other words, they often expect you to prioritize their return over the reality of what their disappearance did.”
“they often expect you to prioritize their return over the reality of what their disappearance did.”
But, House, in her popular podcast RomConned, has a take that is a bit more sinister… She opines, “They expect access without consequence. Most zombies are testing whether they can re-enter your life with minimal effort and zero accountability. They’re checking availability, validation, or whether you’re still an option—not whether you were hurt. This re-entry is often used to reset emotional control without having to repair the rupture. It actively and effectively lowers the other’s confidence, slowly breaking them down and making them more controllable.”
“They expect access without consequence. Most zombies are testing whether they can re-enter your life with minimal effort and zero accountability.”
SW News: What should you do when it happens?
Woolfolk says, “First, pause. Don’t answer from surprise, hope, or adrenaline. This is where I teach healthy detachment: knowing where you begin and end — your non-negotiable yeses, noes, and maybes; your values and virtues; your edges of grief; your desire for closure or release — and also where the other person begins and ends.”
House adds, “Ask yourself: What is my purpose with this person, and does their behavior align with it? If you respond, require clarity. A simple, direct response like, “I was confused when you disappeared—what changed?” immediately reveals whether they’re capable of accountability or simply seeking emotional access.”
“Ask yourself: What is my purpose with this person, and does their behavior align with it?”
SW News: What are the potential outcomes?
House says there are three common outcomes:
“They disappear again when accountability is required. They offer vague explanations and repeat the cycle. Rarely, they acknowledge the behavior and actively repair it.” And adds, “Repeated zombieing often escalates into deeper emotional manipulation, especially if the person returning accelerates intimacy or urgency. The outcome depends less on what you hope for and more on whether they can tolerate discomfort and show consistency.”
“They disappear again when accountability is required.”
SW News: How much is your pride at risk?
Woolfolk says, “I don’t frame this as pride so much as self-respect — and the risk of self-erasure or self-betrayal. When someone zombies you, the pressure is often to be “cool,” to minimize the impact, or to accept their return as proof of worth. That’s where people abandon themselves.”
House continues, “Responding without addressing the disappearance teaches someone that access to you doesn’t require integrity. Each time you accept re-entry without clarity, you reinforce a pattern that, in extreme cases, can open the door to emotional exploitation.”
SW News: How much of a role does social media culture play in people becoming zombies?
Woolfolk asserts, “A big one. Social media creates low-stakes access to people (DMs, story replies, likes) without requiring real relational effort. It also fuels a menu mindset — always another option — so some people treat connection as something they can pick up and drop without consequences. The platform normalizes casual re-entry, which can make “return without repair” feel socially acceptable.”
“Social media creates low-stakes access to people (DMs, story replies, likes) without requiring real relational effort.”
SW News: Should you call out a zombie for their disrespectful behavior?
Woolfolk says, “You can, but do it for your clarity, not to teach them empathy.”
House continues, “Calling it out isn’t about scolding; it’s about setting a standard. A grounded, non-reactive call-out gives you information. If they get defensive, minimize, or disappear again, you have your answer.”
“Calling it out isn’t about scolding; it’s about setting a standard.”
SW News: Is it possible zombies have noble intentions or are unaware of their choices?
Woolfolk says, ”Absolutely—but proceed with caution. — It’s possible they have good intentions, are conflict-avoidant, overwhelmed, ashamed, depressed, or simply unskilled at repair. But intention is not impact, and good intentions don’t erase harm. A useful rule is don’t confuse someone’s return with repair — return is access, repair is accountability.
House reminds us, “Adults know when they vanish. Good intentions without accountability don’t build healthy relationships.”
“But intention is not impact, and good intentions don’t erase harm.”
SW News: Should you get back together with a zombie?
House says only if these three conditions are met:
“The zombie takes responsibility.
They clearly explain why they disappeared and what’s different now.
Their actions show consistency over time.
Without those, you’re not reconnecting—you’re resuming a pattern.”
Bottom line, House elucidates:
“Zombieing isn’t about missing you. It’s about testing access. And clarity—not chemistry—is what protects you from becoming someone’s revolving door.”
Main image: Courtesy of Karla Rivera
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