The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play, “Angel Street,” by Patrick Hamilton, and was later developed into the film, “Gas Light,” by Alfred Hitchcock.
In the suspense film, a manipulative husband tries to make his wife think she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame on a gas lamp. Not only does he disrupt her environment and make her believe she is insane, but he also abuses and controls her, cutting her off from family and friends.
Consequently, the wife begins second-guessing herself, her feelings, her perceptions, and her memories. Additionally, she feels neurotic, hypersensitive, and out-of-control, which is the goal of gaslighting—to leave the target feeling off-kilter and unsure of what is true and what isn’t.
Because this film was an accurate portrayal of the controlling and toxic actions that manipulative people use, psychologists and counselors began to label this type of emotionally abusive behavior, “gaslighting.”
Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, helped popularize the term “gaslighting” with her 2007 book, The Gaslight Effect.
Simply put, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person (or sometimes an entity) makes a victim question their reality in order to gain more power or control. It is a mentally abusive pattern of behavior that, over time, can cause depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem in the victim.
It happens most often in romantic relationships, but it can also occur in friendships, work relationships, and families. It can also arise in any kind of situation where an individual places trust in an authority figure, such as with a doctor or cult leaders.
The gaslighter does this in subtle ways over time, making it hard to detect, much like a slow boil.
Abusers use gaslighting to gain control or power over another individual, as well as to avoid accountability. While it’s usually deliberate, some people may be unaware of what they are doing.
Individuals with mental health conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder are prone to exhibit gaslighting behavior. Others may have grown up in families where gaslighting was normalized.
SW Newsmagazine consulted with Chloe Bean, marriage and family therapist, who specializes in somatic and trauma therapy, and Relationship Expert, Adam Lane Smith, who specializes in attachment styles, which I explored in my Men In Crisis article, to find out everything there is to know about gaslighting. Including how to know if you’re being gaslit, why gaslighting is so effective, and what to do if somebody is using this form of manipulation on you.
Top 10 Signs You’re Being Gaslit
Bean says:
“You feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You carefully monitor what you say or how you say it to avoid upsetting the other person or being misunderstood.” She continues, “You second-guess your memory or perception. After conversations, you wonder if you imagined things, misheard them, or if “you’re the problem” or you “made it worse than it was.”
Smith adds, “You feel the need to start collecting evidence specific to the relationship (taking screenshots to remember conversations—ie: I need to write down the details of communications).”
Bean says, “Your anxiety increases around this person/these people. You may feel keyed up, tense, or unsettled before or after interactions, even if you’re usually calm in other relationships. Your body may start showing signs of distress such as chronic pain, lowered immune function, GI issues, sweating, and more.”
She continues, “You feel overly emotional while the other person stays calm. This imbalance can make you feel irrational or unstable, especially if you’re normally grounded and regulated—this can create a never ending gaslighting cycle that you are trapped in.”
Bean goes on, “You replay conversations on a loop. You overthink what was said, how it was said, and what you should have done differently, often long after the interaction ends. There is a lot of self-blame and reassurance seeking.”
Smith adds, “You feel you are always at fault.”
Bean says, “You start trusting their version of events more than your own. Over time, you defer to their perspective and lose confidence in your internal sense of what’s true.”
Smith continues, “They deny obvious facts or history, and you find yourself constantly doubting your memory of events,” and finally, he says, “Your confidence is drained and you shy away from making decisions.”
Courtesy of Emily Winnie
Prey and Predators
Bean says the personality types most vulnerable to being gaslit are, “People who are empathetic, conscientious, conflict avoidant, perfectionistic, or highly self-reflective are often most vulnerable.
Those with people-pleasing tendencies, who assume good intentions, doubt themselves, never feel “good enough,” or prioritize relationship harmony over inner-peace can be especially susceptible.”
And, while these personality types are most prone to be victims of gaslighting, we inquired as to who might be most likely to prey on empathic people. Bean says, “Gaslighting is more common in individuals who struggle with accountability, emotional regulation, have difficulty with hearing “no” or who have a strong need for control.
This can include people with narcissistic traits, high defensiveness, or a low tolerance for shame and guilt, though not everyone who gaslights fits a single personality category.”
Is gaslighting always malicious?
Smith advises that while gaslighting is typically intended to do harm, there are differentiations.
He explains, “By definition, gaslighting is malicious. There is a different type, where the person genuinely has a different belief and experience than you. This is communicated by invalidating your perspective and trying to manage you. Being managed or being invalidated, if the other person truly believes they are right, is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is intentionally twisting the truth in order to manipulate your choices. It is the removal of human dignity by not allowing the other person to make educated decisions based on full truth.”
Courtesy of Adam Lane Smith
We couldn’t help but wonder, why is gaslighting so effective?
Smith explains, “Gaslighting is often paired with love bombing and oxytocin addiction, which makes you want to be agreeable and compliant. Fear of biological withdrawal, which puts you at a disadvantage and makes you feel that you must comply, is weaponized against you so that the gaslighter can get what they want with no empathy for the other person.”
Don’t you know it’s different for boys?
Certainly, women and men respond to being gaslit differently, right? Bean explains, “For many women, gaslighting can echo earlier conditioning around being “good,” agreeable, “perfect” or self-critical. Men tend to be more conditioned to suppress vulnerability altogether, which can influence how each internalizes and responds to having their reality questioned.
Where differences can sometimes show up is in how people respond to that internal experience. Many men are socialized to minimize their emotions or handle things privately, so they might shut down, intellectualize what’s happening, or avoid talking about it with peers. Women, on the other hand, may be more likely to question themselves out loud, seek reassurance, or take on disproportionate self-blame, though many also stay silent due to fear of being seen as “dramatic” or of triggering further gaslighting.
That said, these are tendencies, not fixed traits. Gaslighting thrives in secrecy—regardless of gender, race, or other identities. Anyone can struggle to speak about it when their reality has been repeatedly undermined.”
Being gaslit is daunting and confusing, and it’s unclear the best way to respond
Bean advises, “Grounding yourself in your own reality is key. This can include documenting your interactions, reality-checking with trusted people, setting firm boundaries, and tuning into your body for information about how someone makes you feel.
Often, disengagement, rather than persuasion, is the most protective and self-compassionate response.”
Do you stay or do you go?
It’s up to every individual what to do when they find themselves in a relationship with a gaslighter, and the decision to stay or go is never an easy one to make.
But, Bean says, “It depends on whether the behavior is acknowledged and genuinely changed. If gaslighting continues despite clear communication and boundaries, it will slowly erode any emotional safety, which is the foundation of healthy relationships.
In these cases, distancing or leaving the relationship with a safety plan may be necessary to protect your mental health. Working with a trauma-informed therapist, especially one experienced in narcissistic abuse recovery can be essential for healing and rebuilding internal safety.”
Main image: Courtesy of Vitaly Gariev
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